Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
