I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize