Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
