goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
