Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
