I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
