Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
