just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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