he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
