Are we in a gay sports bar?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
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