he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
