Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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