you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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