I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
