just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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