Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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