He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
