Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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