he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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