i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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