home. puking in laundry basket.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
