You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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