i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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