I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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