U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize