So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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