fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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