Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
