Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I CAN MOONWALK!
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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