speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize
