Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Randomize