You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
