I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Life is so much better after having sex.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
