Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
