My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
