Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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