i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
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