found the other keg... it's in the tree
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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