I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
My vagina just recognized that song.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
