At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
