Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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