did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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