genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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