Grow some girl-balls and come out already
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
