i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
