apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
