I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
