I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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