i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
