Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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