if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
