I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
