does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
