We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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