Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
