i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
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