I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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