yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
