My hand turned me down
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize