the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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