really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
