God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
