remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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