I can tuck mytits in my pants
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
